Excitement, Fear and Depression:

The Emotional Lives of Fighters

Martin Milton

University of Surrey - 1 February 2004

Introduction

This article outlines some of the findings of a research study undertaken in 2003 and contains two sections. The first section outlines the literature and describes the research method and as such acts as background to the second half — the presentation of the findings. The findings are presented with a diagram and a discussion. The first half may be of particular interest to others involved in research, whereas the findings may be of interest to anyone involved in fighting/combat sports.

Section 1

As members of this forum know, fighting is a human phenomenon that straddles time and culture. There seems to be no human context where people do not fight — it is evident across cultures and in families, schools, social and work contexts too. Historically, it is evident that societies often have an ambivalent reaction to combat, at times mythologising the great warriors and yet haranguing those that fight. This happens while those same societies engage in endless wars. The act of fighting also seems to receive quick judgement — idealisation or rejection — at the cost of us understanding the experience of those involved.

Much public discourse about fighters and fighting paints a picture of an unemotional, rather heartless ‘brute’ that has an impaired capacity for empathy and a limited emotional world. However, during the study it became very apparent that different people feel many different emotions in relation to their fighting — in the same way that they fight in different ways, for different goals and with different experiences feeding this activity. Thus, the study attempted to clarify some of the main characteristics of those who experience themselves as a fighter.

Limited Literature Available

As mentioned above, while there may be much relevant sports psychology literature, very little of it is phenomenological in nature, i.e. very little actually tries to gain a sense of the experience of the person as opposed to particular characteristics of the group under study.

What is evident is that there are frequent representations of the fighter (in many of their guises) in the popular media and many of them suggest negative perceptions of fighting and fighters (see Hopton, 2002). Similarly when we turn to more academic literature we see that that much literature simply fails to attend to this topic fully.

There seems to be another strand of literature available and this is one that represents the fighter in a more positive way and for occasional examples see the sports pages of the print media or such sport specific publications as ‘Martial Arts Illustrated’, ‘Boxing Weekly’ or ‘Full Contact Fighter’. There are also a number of books that describe personal experiences of fighting and the wider experiences of a fighter (see Davies, 2002; Freeman and Wheatman, 2001, Shamrock and Hanner, 1997). There are also an increasing number of autobiographical writings of fighting available that attempt to utilise autobiographical and objective writings to represent the fighter more realistically and more phenomenologically (Beattie, 1996, Mathews, 2001; Twigger,1997). These latter texts are of particular relevance for those interested in the data that is presented later in this article — the emotional experiences of those that fight.

As well as mentioning these formal and less formal writings, it is important to note that there are problems inherent with some of the ‘literature’ as it often relies on assertion and belief; this is true for of the psychological literature as well. However, altogether there is some useful insights to be gained from the literature that exists if the reader remains alert to the dangers. For instance, autobiography is often useful in shedding light onto an experience, but the reader can of course, not be sure that the autobiography captures the whole picture. The reader has to consider the motivations (conscious and unconscious) of the author or researcher and the image that they are wanting to portray.

With respect to the autobiographical texts that are available, it is sometimes apparent that autobiography and the prevalent discourses of the writer’s context overlap. This can make it difficult for the reader can be unsure as to whether the writer’s are free to discuss their unique experiences, particularly those experiences that fall outside what is discursively ‘allowed’. For further discussion of the power and functioning of discourses and gender readers could refer to (Scraton, 1987; 1992).

What seems to be missing in the literature is empirical studies that elucidate the experience and meanings of fighting. This area is suited to an open, qualitative research method, such as Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA), which is an approach already proven useful in clinical, health and counselling psychology. It may also prove useful in sports psychology. As will be noted below, IPA as outlined by Smith, Jarman and Osborne (1999) was used.

Recruitment

In order that the study did not define ‘fighter’ prematurely (and in a way that did not represent fighters own experience), the initial call for participants simply called for people to take part in the research if they met the following criteria.

1. Self identified as a fighter
2. Had experience (current or previous) of fighting
3. No exclusion criteria were set in terms of gender, age, race, sexual identity or other demographic characteristics.

In April and May of 2003, several posts were submitted to the SFUK Forum outlining my interest in undertaking a study aiming to explore the nature of Being a Fighter.

The notice generated a number of responses and a number of offers to participate. Some of these were taken forward in either face-to-face interviews (n=2) or in telephone interviews (n=3). This turned out not to be problematic as due to the in-depth qualitative analysis that will be undertaken a large sample size would be too unwieldy.

Participants gave written consent to the audio-taped interview which lasted between 55 minutes and an hour and three quarters depending on what time was available to them and how much the participant had to say.

Analytic Strategy

As noted above, transcripts of the interviews were subjected to IPA, a method that analyses data in an idiographic manner and which aims to explore participants’ experiences, cognitions and meaning-making (Smith, et al., 1999). This method recognises that the outcome of any research includes an interaction between participants’ accounts and the researcher’s subjectivity.

As Smith et al., (1999) advocate, one transcript was subjected to analysis fully and the coding completed before the next transcript was analysed. As there were only five participants, Microsoft Excel was used to develop a template that allowed concepts, themes, identifying quotations and reference to each of the five interviews to be located on one page. The analysis resulted in 68 pages of themes.

In qualitative research the traditional criteria for evaluating research quality (such as reliability and validity) — based on the assumption of researcher objectivity and disengagement from the analytic process — are inappropriate (Henwood and Pidgeon, 1992). Among the alternative criteria suggested is the criterion of persuasiveness by ‘grounding in examples’ which is applied through an inspection of interpretations (rather than firm conclusions) and data (Elliot et al., 1999). In the results section, interpretations are illustrated by data extracts to allow readers to assess the persuasiveness of the analysis for themselves. In the quotations, empty square brackets indicate where material has been omitted, material within square brackets is provided for clarification and ellipsis points (…) indicate a pause in the flow of participants’ speech. At this point, the article moves away from the formal research information onto the actual findings.

Section 2:Analysis

Demographic information:

Due to the small and close-knit nature of the MMA community the demographic information presented here will be limited in order to enhance confidentiality.

All the participants were white, male and between the ages of 23 and 30. Educational qualifications varied from A levels to postgraduate degree. The occupations given were all distinct from each other and provided the participants with incomes that varied from less than £15k per annum to between £25k and £35k.

One participant was married and four were single and all identified (at least initially) as heterosexual. One participant did comment that the demographic form might not be an effective way to access participants experiences of their sexual identity and theorised that all fighters would say they were heterosexual regardless of whether that truly captured their experience. One participant later changed his sexual identity to ‘Try-sexual — try anything once’.

.

This sample therefore represents only a sub-section of fighters — all of whom are clearly sportsmen — the sample does not include those whose identity as a fighter has come out of exclusive involvement in streetfighting. Attendance at any of the fight shows in the UK demonstrates the diverse range of fighters as some dimensions of difference are visible. Female fighters are often on the card, as are black and asian fighters. Age is less easy to discern but there are well known fighters who have yet to leave their teens and other fighters who are known to be in their 30s. As a non-visible aspect of human diversity, I am unaware of whether this sample accurately reflects the sexual orientation of all fighters — however, this is very unlikely.

Participants were resident across the UK and had fought at different levels including amateur, semi-professional and professional level. When describing how long they had ‘been a fighter’ the length of time ranged from three years to 14 years. The fight styles represented included mixed martial arts (MMA), kick boxing, thai boxing, wrestling, Brazilian Ju-Jitsu (BJJ), submission wrestling, boxing, vale tudo and No-holds barred (NHB) fighting. N> 5 as all participants had trained and/or fought in several disciplines

Data Analysis

The study generated a wealth of data related to many different aspects of the fighters’ experience. The data presented here focuses on that which relates to the fighters’ emotional lives and is presented as a diagrammatic model followed by a description of these emotional experiences — both when training and fighting more broadly as well. As can be seen in figure 1, the fighters described a range of emotional states — ranging from ‘none’ to many different identifiable emotional states.

Fig 1: Emotional aspects of being a fighter.

The first part of the figure to consider is the way that fighters described their emotional experience in terms of an absence - usually referring to an absence of fear. Jack stated categorically: ‘I don’t have fear [ ] I am not scared’. Ivan explained why he thought this was. He said: ‘I’ve boxed big punchers [ ] you don’t have anything to fear, the adrenaline is running that much that you don’t feel it’.

Participants valued this state of fearlessness as they felt that this allowed them to be calm in the run up to the fight and, in fact, in the midst of the fight. Steve said: ‘In the run up to like cage fights I am just really calm, really relaxed, just go in there, do what I’ve been trained to do and get out again’. Alistair also valued this and said: ‘I like to be as chilled and as cool as possible and the thing I have learnt through all my years of fighting is to be totally chilled out, cool, relaxed and calm’.

One contributor to the SFUK Forum, felt that people could be too calm and warned against this saying:

This absence of fear is all a part of the fighters experience in the fight — and this will be discussed a little later. At this point in time attention will turn to a frequently experienced emotion - Nervousness.

Nervousness seems to be a frequent and familiar experience for the fighter. Steve discussed its role in training and said: ‘generally 9 times out of 10 before I go training I am nervous’ because he recognised how difficult it might be. He added: ‘The initial anticipation is ‘Oh my God, this is what I’ve got to go through tonight’’.

Participants also noted that they were nervous at the start of a fight. Andy said: ‘my first ring fight I was extremely nervous for’. This was not just an issue for Andy, Alistair said: ‘I know every fighter feels this before a fight, what am I doing here? Why am I here? They must feel that, they all feel that at some point — that’s the pre-nerve thing’.

This ‘pre-nerve thing’ was described a great deal and it seemed that fighters understood it as part of the way they prepared for the fight. Steve said: ‘I think it gees me up’ and felt that ‘You got to get yourself ready for the fact that you know what’s coming’.

Thus nervousness is another aspect that is part and parcel of these fighters’ experience of fighting. This will be elaborated below but in order to paint a broader picture of the emotional experience of fighters the right hand column of figure 1 will be discussed in order to highlight the range of other emotions experienced by fighters. These include pride, excitement, fear and embarrassment — as well as a sense of bravery.

Fear was experienced and this often sounded as if fighters experienced this as different to the nervousness they sometimes felt. Fear seemed more specific. Andy talked about fears about conflict that had bothered him for a long while. He said: ‘I always thought that was a way I could deal with this fear and uncomfortableness but in a controlled environment and people would help me as opposed to, you know, try and make me more frightened of it’.

While training and fighting helped Andy come to terms with these fears, Alistair noted that despite his lengthy experience, he did not stop feeling the fear. He said: ‘I know I can [fight] because I have done it, but it still scares the hell out of me’. Others talked about a specific fear related to losing in a particular way. Steve said: ‘The fear of being knocked out is that you don’t want to lose like that’. Andy talked about fear of failure being something that drove him. He said: ‘my motivation was slightly different, fear of failure I think was the thing that drove me’.

Pride was also experienced. Andy said: ’ Pride comes into it to. I don’t want to be seen as embarrassed or dominated by that person so, you know, pride is part of it’.

Something akin to excitement was experienced as well. Alistair said: ‘I like the glory, again it’s the ego, people chanting your name. Its like being on stage, it’s the same sort of buzz, it’s the same sort of buzz that [ ] that sense of achievement’.

The participants felt that bravery was exhibited — by others (and by association also themselves) — when people stepped into the fighting arena. Jack illustrated this when he decried those critics who do not fight, he said: ‘Man you don’t have the bollocks to step inside the ring’. Ivan agreed saying: ‘After the fight I have got all the respect in the world for anyone that will step in the ring’.

Embarrassment was another emotional experience for these fighters. Alistair noted this in his public life. He said:

This embarrassment was partly due to how the fighter thought they would be perceived. Alistair added: ‘But there’s also a side of me that is a bit embarrassed by it because it can be a bit thuggish’.

Andy’s comment above highlights that he could also be embarrassed by perceptions of his performance rather than of the sport. He said: ‘I don’t want to be seen as embarrassed or dominated by that person so, you know, pride is part of it’.

There were other experiences that had an emotional tone too. For example, fighters seem to love their training. Steve said: ‘soon as you were there, you were loving it, when you were finished you were really glad that you went’.Much of what has been reported so far, relates to training and to the build up to a fight. At this point it is worth turning attention to the actual experience of the fight and the way in which participants described their emotional experience. As can be seen in figure 1, these included desperation, enjoyment and determination.

Andy described when the fight was not going well and the desperation he experiences:

He also said: ‘there’s more of a desperation in when someone else is dominating — that’s what it felt like for me anyway’.

However, of course, fighters weren’t always on the losing end. The fighters talked about enjoying the fight a great deal too. Alistair remembered how excited he was when he was offered a fight and had thought: ‘do some fighting, something I am good at, be positive, healthier life, I really enjoy it, great challenge. Yeh, do it’. Steve had a similar outlook and said: ‘So when you are there you are enjoying it’. This had been an ongoing experience for Steve as he said: ‘I never had a problem with being hurt, stuff like that, or vice versa really. I’ve always enjoyed physical contact sports’.

Determination was the last emotional experience that will be highlighted here. Andy commented (above) that if he is losing he can feel a lack of confidence and this can make him feel desperate. He added to this, that desperation can make him more determined: ‘some people would if, you know, the other person was dominating might you know, look for an easy way out, to stop getting hurt, but you know, that would be something that would spur me on even harder, to try’.

The opposite is also true of his experience. Winning can bolster his determination. He said: ‘if you are dominating and perhaps not feeling any pain then there’s a confidence that it’ll carry on that way and that you will win and be victorious’.

The emotional experience of the fighter of course continues after the fight and figure 1 highlights the experience of depression and this seemed to be particularly confusing to the fighters. Alistair was clear on this saying that this happened even after winning: ‘Of course the next day I was really depressed’. He also said:

Contributors to the SFUK Forum also seem to relate to this experience. One person wrote: ‘A little over a week since UC6 [a big UK MMA promotion] and I am feeling really down! I can't seem to get myself fired up to put the effort in to train’ (Post fight depression: Aaron Muay). He added: ‘I have had this before, but usually shaken it off in a couple of days … its been a week now’ (Post fight depression: Aaron Muay). Others responded to this confirming the regularity of this experience and said: ‘I always get post-fight depression after fights and tournaments. Usually lasts until I give myself a spiritual kick in the ass (or have someone else give me a very real one)’ (SFUK: Post fight depression: Kim Hovgaard).

Overview

This report gives a brief outline of the phenomenology of a small group of fighters in relation to their emotional experiences. Despite the widespread (mis) conception that people who behave in an aggressive way do so as they lack the language or emotional maturity to ‘reason’ with others, we need to recognise that as with any other groups of people, fighters have rich emotional lives in many areas of their lives. And the results presented here support that view.

The aim was to simply to highlight the experience of the fighters interviewed. This study begins an exploration of the experience of fighters and offers readers a taste of what it is like to be a complex being, an evolving and consistent emotional being, a fighter. For those raised on the traditional view of science being the definitive methodology these limited aims may be disappointing. However, the value of this study lies in its exploration of issues through participants’ words (and mediated versions of their phenomenological worlds). What it loses in generality it gains in specificity. The analysis presented here is relevant to the experience of the fighters interviewed and maybe to other fighters’ emotional experience more broadly.

As with all early studies, the findings here have raised a number of questions and highlighted interesting areas to explore in the future. For instance the experience of ‘fear’ and ‘no fear’ was outlined questions are raised as to the contexts that facilitate each experience. Do current experiences, such as a run of ‘wins’ or recent losses effect the experience of fear or do fighters experience this as related to other aspects of their lives? Their initial experiences of conflict for example?

While these are questions for future research, one of the participants, on receiving a draft of this paper, contacted me to confirm that he had views on this issue in particular. Ivan felt that the link between post-fight depression and adrenaline was important yet poorly understood. His own experience was that winning and losing are not ‘causes’ of the depression and he felt that his worst post-fight depression came after his quickest win — which psychologically should have buoyed him up. His sense was that the depression was clearly related to built up adrenaline. Despite having made contact with his family physician, Ivan found the most useful help in books that addressed this link. This feedback confirms the need for further research into the mind-body connection and in order to come to understand the process in greater detail. Such research would be useful in distinguishing between an expected, yet transient experience of ‘post-fight depression’ (due to ‘adrenal dump’) and the beginnings of a depression that was much more serious would be helpful and allow the fighter and his support network to reflect on the experience earlier and to attend to the onset of depression earlier and more effectively.

Overall, this study has usefully demonstrated that the image of the emotionally illiterate ‘hard lad’ who feels nothing and is unable to think about others around him is clearly an inaccurate portrait — at least for those in this study. While it may well be that some fighters (like others in all sorts of professions/sports) could have inhibited emotional lives, for those interested in knowing the fighter, relying on such stereotypes is nothing more than lazy thinking. We need to recognise that these fighters are engaged in quite complex emotional processes. One of which Adam identified when he wrote to me after reading a draft of this paper. He wrote ‘It seems that there is almost an ‘fighters philosophy’ that is governed by some sort of code that makes it legitimate to physically hurt someone but still kind of respect them and more importantly not hold a grudge against them. I think that in any other form such behaviour would be met with retaliation’. The ability to contain oneself in the face of aggression is clearly an advantage and one based on good emotional regulation and self-knowledge.

Dr Martin Milton

University of Surrey

Guildford

Surrey

GU2 7XH

M.Milton@surrey.ac.uk

References

Beattie, G (1996) On the ropes: Boxing as a way of life, Victor Gollancz: London

Matthews, D. (2001) Looking for a fight, Headline: London

Twigger, R. (1997) Angry white pajamas, Phoenix: London.

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